Friday, August 17, 2007

musings on what's going on now

Some different things going on in my head these days ...

I went to a viewing (didn't stay for the funeral) for the husband of a friend. He died of cancer. It was weird weird weird weird weird to be there, knowing that at its most basic level, what killed him and what I have are the same. And the services were in friggin' Surprise, so I had a good hour each way to think about it :-P

I am struggling with being home all the time. I mean, I have occasional appointments and things, and I run errands as needed, but mostly, I'm just home. I'm doing stuff (usually) — there is no shortage of things to do!! — so I'm generally busy, but I feel pretty isolated. I see TJ in the evenings, of course, but I can't rely solely on him to fulfill my social needs. I'm not really sure what to do, though. People are busy, people are working, and I can't fault them for that, certainly — I'd be doing the same thing if I could. So how to fix it...?

Finally ... radiation is currently on the list of things that are slightly terrifying. I'm not worried too much about short-term side effects, mostly because they go away. Yeah, it would suck to spend a month sick from radiation, but it would go away. Side effects are listed below (a scan of something I signed yesterday... I don't know why it's crooked... click it to see it larger):

Scary, no? Dr. Radiation explained them all and mentioned a few that were pretty uncommon. I am working on visualizations and affirmations that will help my heart and lungs to stay healthy/flexible (basically, the radiation creates inflexible scar tissue on/around heart/lungs). I'm taking suggestions, as I'm having some trouble.

I'm also planning to ask at my next appointment if there's anything I can do that will help. For example, will a good cardio workout help (since it gets all those things moving)? If so, I will do a good cardio workout every damned day, regardless of how I'm feeling otherwise. What good is it to be rid of cancer if it's just replaced by heart disease?

Taking thoughts and suggestions. Also hoping that putting fear out here will help. It helped a lot last time.

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