The amount of anger I've had over the past few days has been somewhat overwhelming. It is not an emotion that I have had with regards to the cancer before now, and I really don't like it. I'm not entirely sure where it's coming from or why it's hitting now (well, I can hazard a guess on that one), but I'm looking forward to it going away.
I went to the mall yesterday to change our cell phone service provider. In the course of things, I needed to go to the second floor. There were steps nearby, so I took them ... at a run ... two at a time. I had no trouble making it to the top that way and was not terribly winded when I got up there. That made me happy.
And then I considered that probably half of the able-bodied people at the mall at that time would not be able to do what I had just done, and I've been on chemotherapy for 2-1/2 months. And my blood boiled.
There is an epidemic of people who, given their choice of things to do, would most like to sit around and watch TV. Why don't they have cancer instead? Then they'd have a good excuse for numbing their brains and deteriorating their bodies all day. There are a zillion people who eat nothing healthy unless perhaps by accident (or in quantities that make it unhealthy anyway) and generally don't give a rat's ass about their health or their body (except maybe through lip service). Why can't they have cancer instead?
[Where did the phrase "I don't give a rat's ass come from, anyway? I don't even have any rats' asses to give...]
So in addition to being sulky and generally sad about being alone most of the time, I have this new hostility.
Enter TJ, who sometimes takes care of himself for a week or so (until it wears off) who would rather sit and watch TV more than anything else, as far as I can tell (based on actions).
This is not good. It doesn't make for a happy home or a happy marriage, which just adds on to the already-too-long list of shit to deal with.
So I've got all kinds of crap going on right now, when I really just want to go back to being the way I was two weeks ago. I don't know how to do that.
Another self portrait
1 month ago