today's small goal

I have my chemo appointment in about 45 minutes. This is today's goal: I will not cry when they try to put in the IV.

This is what usually happens: they try once and it doesn't work. I'm OK. They try again and it hurts like a bitch. I'm OK. They go to get someone else to try (I think they have a two-stick maximum per nurse per patient per day). While they're going to get someone else, I cry.

I don't cry because it hurts (it does hurt, but really, not that badly, and not for very long), but more the psychological "here we go again with the needles." Or something like that. I'm not sure if that makes any sense.

Then the second nurse comes over and tells me that when I'm upset, the veins constrict which makes it harder ... which I certainly know by now. I could probably not cry by that point, but I'm not convinced that looking calm will do anything to the veins. I think I need to actually be calm.

In any case, they always get it on three. When I went for my PET scan, it took three tries. I cried after two.

The crying is embarrassing, frankly, and it sure would be swell to stop.

That's the goal for today.