a long, fabulous moment of forgetting

On Saturday, I ran a 5K. I am thrilled to report that I beat my previous time by over 5 minutes :)

The race, of course, was outside. I put on my suncreen and didn't think about it again.

That's the first time I was able to "not think about it again" in roughly a year and a half. It felt good (once I realized I had done it) :)

I suspect that I haven't needed to be so concerned about it for a while - take precautions (sunsreen, long sleeves, umbrella when the sun is intense) and let it go. It was nice to let it go.


There have been a barrage of ads for a new(-ish?) cancer center in the area. They claim to have a wide array of services, including homeopathic docs. I wonder if they take patients who have completed treatment just to talk about lingering side effects and nutrition and things like that. I'm going to check into it.

On that topic, they have a billboard that reads, "Anyone who says winning isn't everything has never fought cancer" or something significantly close to that. My initial reaction was "fuck yeah!" but then I got to thinking about it ...

Having cancer has certainly changed my life (though not in the ways that most people inquired about - my partying hasn't decreased at all ;) ). And while of course I would have needed to survive in order for that to happen long-term, I don't think just getting through it would be considered a "win." Or maybe it'd be like a win because the other team forfeited. It seems to me that for cancer survival to be a win, there needs to come from it more than just surviving ... but that's just me.

Happy End to 2008!

Well, I am winding down 2008 with a slight cold but otherwise in fabulous condition :)

I have set a goal to complete a mini-triathlon by the end of 2009. That's a 750 (or sometimes 500)-meter swim, a 20 K (12.4 mile) bike ride, and a 5K (3.1 mile) run. Can I do that now? No. But I can do some of it, and I'm sure that in time, I will be able to do all of it. Honestly, I just want to be able to finish it. I can do that.

I swam 75 meters without stopping today, for the first time :) Baby steps...

I will be able to train with a trainer for a short while longer. In my ideal world, I'd train once a week with a trainer, year round. It's expensive, though :(

Here's to good health and toning up the body!

the itch...

...is definitely pool-related, and putting lotion on right after a shower right after swimming helped a lot.

small panic over :)

we now return to our regularly scheduled program...



(And if you're in AZ, you have 13 days left to make a tax credit donation. I'm accepting. Send me a message for more info.)

I didn't call...

By this point, a day after my massage, most of my soreness is gone :)

I was going to call the doc today — that was the plan over the weekend. I always plan out what I'm going to say. Since I'm going to be leaving a message, I want it to be as clear as possible. Well, while I was rehearsing said message, I realized how ridiculous and paranoid it sounded, so I didn't call. I haven't been itchy since Thursday night, which is the last night I went in the pool. My back is mostly better today, after a massage yesterday. It was just coincidence.

Thanks for putting up with my little freak-out session [sheepish grin]

I had a pool session with my trainer tonight, and it kicked my sorry butt. It was really good :) Just what I needed to ramp up my swimming.

Off to shower and put on some lotion and see if that helps the itch.

soreness and knots and stress

I went to the gym last night and did a good long stretch and foam rolling when I was done. Typically, when I roll out my legs, there might be a knot here or there, but those muscles by this point are pretty smooth.

Legs last night were knot city.

Last night, TJ rubbed my shoulders and it felt like he was rubbing bricks.

This morning I was kinda stiff through my back, neck, and shoulders.

So currently, I am attributing back stiffness to general stress, to which I am also attributing the knots in my legs and soreness in my neck, shoulders, and back. There has been no shortage of stress 'round here.

Working on this assumption, I went to get a massage this morning. Neck, back, shoulders: knot city. The soreness I had this morning is gone. The soreness I had before is still there. A couple of friends who do massages more often said that it would take a couple of days for that soreness to go away, if the massage will do it, and that I might feel worse before I feel better (and not to panic if that happened). So we'll see how it feels in a day or two or three...

In the mean time, I am less freaked than I was yesterday. It sure would be nice for that trigger not to be so sensitive...

hoping hoping hoping it's nothing

For the last month or so maybe, since I started swimming on a more regular basis, my skin has been super-itchy. I have been sometimes putting lotion on it, which sometimes helps. I've been making sure to wash more thoroughly after being in the pool, taking showers that aren't quite as hot, etc., trying to reduce drying agents. I assumed that the itchiness was either a reaction to chemicals in the pool or dry skin as a result of the season and the pool.

For the last week-ish, my back has been sore, just right up the spine. If I'm sitting or standing normally, I don't notice it. When I twist, it's a "I worked out too hard" kind of sore ... but I hadn't worked out those muscles when this started. Also, I can do general back exercises and they don't bother the soreness at all.

For reasons unknown, I went just now and looked up the vague symptoms that help lead to Hodgkins diagnoses. Itchy skin and vague back soreness are both on the list.

I'm a bit freaked. OK, I'm a lot freaked.

Everything else is fine. I have no other potential symptoms, my breathing is fine. I think that maybe my inability to explain why my back is sore is ramping up my current anxiety. Itchy skin I can explain away.

Lymph nodes in my neck are not noticeable. I don't know how to check any of the other ones. Though I am guessing if this actually *is* a recurrence, it would be in the same place as the old one, and I can't check there.

I'm going to call the oncologist's office on Monday and see if he thinks I should be concerned. I'd like to be able to talk to someone sooner, but it's not something to bother the doctor on call about, I don't think.

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

reclaiming my body, and some thoughts for Tam

I saw my abs today! It was their first sighting in a year and a half! I finally feel like I'm getting my body back. It has been slow, but little marks of progress along the way make it a little easier.

I decided earlier this week to "test" to see if I still need to wear sunscreen all the time (it's getting a little old...). I had a couple of errands to run each day but was mostly in the house, so I didn't put on sunscreen ... and I have a couple of faint sunspots on my face. Yup, still need to wear it. While I understand that it's a good idea to wear sunscreen in general, if I'm just going to the grocery store and back, it'd be nice to save the few minutes it takes to put it in, as well as saving the sunscreen for when I need it, as well as saving my skin from having that crap all over it. It's OK. It's my price for living right now. Chemo messed up my skin (temporarily), but chemo let me live to complain about it.


And Tam, I read your birthday blog post ... For whatever it's worth, the anti-nausea drugs they gave me made my vision blurry, but my eyes cleared up just about immediately after treatments ended. I had trouble with Neupogen, so they switched me to Neulasta - is that available to you? Maybe it would help more? I needed only one shot, and it sent my white cell count through the roof! I had all kinds of "chemo brain" and often had trouble holding a normal conversation because I couldn't think of words and because I would forget what I was talking about mid-sentence. It went away after treatments ended. I have a little trouble every now and then now, but it's mostly gone. And they said side effects could last for up to 18 months, and I'm still inside of that window. The butt problems went away, too.

As far as life after cancer and its problems ... no, it's not the same as it was Before. But it is good, or it can be good. The scans aren't endless - they just feel like it, especially because we have so much life left. Hell, I'll certainly outlive my oncologist by quite a margin! It is super-easy to get bogged down by all of the negative possibilities — there are so many of them! I have just decided that they are not a possibility, and I do my best to live so that my thoughts, my hopes, and my actions all match. It ain't always easy, but it's worth the work!!

If you want to talk, let's figure out a way to exchange e-mail addresses without posting them here. (If not, that's totally OK, too.)

Hope you are feeling a little better...

I like being helpful

A friend of a friend was recently-ish diagnosed with lymphoma and was in the same hospital I had been in. I have never met her, but I wrote her a letter, telling her stuff that I found helpful when I was going through all that crap, hoping that one or two pieces of it would be useful.

She called a few days ago and left a message about how nice it was, how helpful it was, how she feels like she has a friend and hopes to meet me one day.

:-)

A coworker mentioned to me a couple of days later that her friend was just diagnosed with some kind of cancer, and did I have any words of advice for her? I edited the letter and sent that to her.

I got a message on a message board today saying that her husband is in the process of being diagnosed with lymphoma (type currently undetermined) and can I help her to help herself and to help him? I sent her an email with what I could think of and attached the revised letter.

It is kind of cool that people are seeking me out for help, support, advice. I hope that something I tell them resonates and is useful. All feedback I've gotten so far has been positive. Maybe I'll post the letter here... Hmmm...

In the mean time, Happy Thanksgiving!

milestone :)

Yesterday was my one-year anniversary, according to my oncologist for being CANCER-FREE!! HOORAY!!

It feels like more than a year has passed. Funny how days go so fast, years go so slow, but bunches of years go so fast.

We had a little celebratory dinner with friends. Yum!

I also had a good hard work out at the gym, which felt good. I still have this crazy little hope in the back of my head that the "right person" will read my blog, or the magazine article and will decide to gift me dance lessons or personal training at my gym. That would so rock my world.

(In real life, things like that don't tend to happen, but hey, a girl can dream, can't she?)


Regardless of any of that, I am happy to have been here for another year, gettin' things done, living life, loving life.

Cheers!

how to say "thanks"?

In June, I went to a survivors' brunch at the hospital. As a door prize, I received a BB King box set of 4 CDs. The lady giving out the prizes said that he donated them himself. Pretty cool.

So I know it's months later, but I'd like to write a thank you note, saying I won them and have enjoyed listening to them thanks for donating them. I don't know how to go about finding contact information.

Any suggestions?