the itch...

...is definitely pool-related, and putting lotion on right after a shower right after swimming helped a lot.

small panic over :)

we now return to our regularly scheduled program...



(And if you're in AZ, you have 13 days left to make a tax credit donation. I'm accepting. Send me a message for more info.)

I didn't call...

By this point, a day after my massage, most of my soreness is gone :)

I was going to call the doc today — that was the plan over the weekend. I always plan out what I'm going to say. Since I'm going to be leaving a message, I want it to be as clear as possible. Well, while I was rehearsing said message, I realized how ridiculous and paranoid it sounded, so I didn't call. I haven't been itchy since Thursday night, which is the last night I went in the pool. My back is mostly better today, after a massage yesterday. It was just coincidence.

Thanks for putting up with my little freak-out session [sheepish grin]

I had a pool session with my trainer tonight, and it kicked my sorry butt. It was really good :) Just what I needed to ramp up my swimming.

Off to shower and put on some lotion and see if that helps the itch.

soreness and knots and stress

I went to the gym last night and did a good long stretch and foam rolling when I was done. Typically, when I roll out my legs, there might be a knot here or there, but those muscles by this point are pretty smooth.

Legs last night were knot city.

Last night, TJ rubbed my shoulders and it felt like he was rubbing bricks.

This morning I was kinda stiff through my back, neck, and shoulders.

So currently, I am attributing back stiffness to general stress, to which I am also attributing the knots in my legs and soreness in my neck, shoulders, and back. There has been no shortage of stress 'round here.

Working on this assumption, I went to get a massage this morning. Neck, back, shoulders: knot city. The soreness I had this morning is gone. The soreness I had before is still there. A couple of friends who do massages more often said that it would take a couple of days for that soreness to go away, if the massage will do it, and that I might feel worse before I feel better (and not to panic if that happened). So we'll see how it feels in a day or two or three...

In the mean time, I am less freaked than I was yesterday. It sure would be nice for that trigger not to be so sensitive...

quick update

I woke up significantly congested this morning - I've never been happier to have a cold.

The lymph node is still swollen but less so.

Good news :)

thoughts from the doc

I called this morning for an appointment. They had a 1:00 appointment with the nurse available. I took it.

The nurse agreed that my left neck lymph node was swollen and inquired about sore throats, nasal drainage and the like. I've had some of each every morning when I woke up, but it clears up during the day. (I've been chugging Emergen-C, gargling with salt water, and using the NetiPot in an effort to stave this thing off ... getting enough sleep might help, too...) She said that was likely the reason for the swelling and she'd get me an antibiotic. OK. She left, and I waited ... and waited ... and waited ...

When she finally came back, she said the doc was going to squeeze me in, if I didn't mind waiting. No problem with waiting. I was grateful.

He came in, checked out my neck and armpits, asked the same questions that the nurse had asked. He said that his recommendation would be to come back in two weeks. He said it's probably from the cold I'm fighting off, but that we need to be cautious given my history. He said he could do a biopsy right then, but he wouldn't recommend it. If it *is* cancer again, two weeks isn't going to make a difference. If it's not cancer again, in two weeks, it'll be gone. So I have an appointment for two weeks from yesterday. If it gets any bigger, I should call right away.

I also will be having a PET scan (which was in the works anyway) and should have the results of that at the same appointment.

So that's where it's at. Here's to it all being just a cold .....

shit...

I had a doc's appointment today. I missed it because I was way late because there was a crazy amount of traffic.

Normally, this wouldn't bother me too much, 'cause it's just a follow-up appointment. They tend to be really short and not very interesting.

However, I noticed earlier today that on the left side of my neck, the lymph node is swollen.

Originally, my make-up appointment was scheduled for Wednesday next week, but I'm going to see about going in tomorrow.

I'm scared...

the decision

Well, I decided, after talking with people (some doctors, some not) and thinking and sleeping that radiation is probably the best way to go.

I had an appointment this morning to get my tattoos; I have four. They’re the size of one needle-point, so they’re pretty teensy, which is good, because they’re black dots. (I don't want to be covered in big black dots...)

I have an appointment on December 26 to get “imaged” (I don’t know what that means), and I start radiation treatments on the 27th.

I also had an appointment with Dr. Oncology today, but there’s not really any news from it. I have another in four weeks and expect equally as little news from it.

word from the doc

(This is a copy-paste from today's e-mail)


I went in to see the doctor today to find out what the @#!% is going on.

He said that the radiologist recommended more chemo and that he himself agrees. He said it's precautionary at this point, but since I had a large mass, more is better, since we want the best possible outcome.

I asked if we didn't want the best possible outcome a month ago?

He said yes, we did, and he thought that maybe less would be OK but has decided against it. He said that there are never less than 4 cycles (2 treatments per cycle) but after that, it's grey. This means, of course, that when he told me in July that I had two more treatments (1 cycle) and I was done that he was wrong wrong wrong, as those two treatments were #5 and 6 (cycle #3).

He said that I could say no, take my chances on the radiation, and go from there.

He said that more chemo means less radiation, which is exactly the opposite of what the radiologist told me on Tuesday. When I mentioned that, he said that perhaps he had misunderstood.

Six cycles (12 treatments) is the max, so he won't have the opportunity to change it again, which makes it easier to believe this time.

I learned today that if my periods never come back that it's not just a cessation of menstruation, but it does induce early menopause (in six months to a year). This is slightly disconcerting because being pre-menopausal has lots of health benefits.

So the plan, now finalized, is four more treatments, a month off, some radiation and done. And actually hope to have periods again. How disappointing.

I have chemo #9 next week. Chemo #10 will be two weeks delayed (unless I decided to change my plane ticket for the trip back east, or to travel on a post-chemo weekend, neither of which is likely, though either would move everything else back two weeks which would be really nice...), which makes chemo #11 on November 1, and chemo #12, the final chemo, on November 15, one week before Thanksgiving. I won't know details about radiation until it gets much closer.

I will have my PICC taken out after the next chemo (YAYE!!!!!!!!!!) and have it put back in for the last three, after returning from NJ.

Here's to hoping that the treatments are effective, but only in their intended effect, and that the side effects in the mean time remain minimal.

Thanks for reading.

more chemo on the way...

(This is a copy-paste of today's e-mail update)


I recently got word that I am scheduled for 4 more treatments of chemotherpy. At one every two weeks, with a break for my trip back east, that'll take me up to the week before Thanksgiving.

So much for getting radiation for my birthday.

I am not at all psychologically/emotionally ready to deal with two more months of this. If I hadn't been told in JULY that I was just shy of being finished, it might be less difficult. But it is what it is and those are the cards I'm stuck with.

Reason given: I'm responding well. My interpretation: I'm being punished for not being horrendously sick.

I'm sure that at some point, I'll rediscover optimism and positiveness, but it ain't here right now.

Extra support would be amazingly fabulously appreciated.

the latest drama

Well, last night around 9, I started to have pain in my knees. By 9:30, it was pretty close to intolerable. TJ took me to the ER.

Skipping for now all of the fabulous details, basically, they did ultrasound of my legs, looking for blood clots: there aren't any. (This is good.) They did x-rays and never mentioned them again, so there's probably nothing on those, either, though I will inquire.

With morphine and later percocet, the pain went away. A minute or two ago, my knees started to get a little achy, but they've been fine all day.

Until that minute or two ago, I had attributed the pain to psychosomatics. While disturbing that I could create that much pain (it really was amazing how much it hurt ... and how I couldn't do anything about it), it was kind of reaffriming: if I can create that kind of pain, certainly I can significantly speed up the disappearance of a tumor :) and lung fluid :)

and now, a blood clot :(

My left arm was swollen, so they did an ultrasound on that, too (that was going to be done this morning, regardless, just not in the ER). There is a clot. Dr. Oncology said it's not a big deal (to the docs, though he realizes it's a new thing for me), and that with some meds it'll go away. So I'm on some kind of blood thinner (don't remember) and get it daily as a shot to my tummy. Not exciting. So it goes.

What is it from? The PICC line. The thing I was so happy to have a couple of weeks ago so they wouldn't have to poke me any more is having the residual effect of more pokes. Irony is really not necessary.

But the good news of the day was that I'm not neutropenic any more, which means I can eat normally for the next week-ish. Yaye! I miss fruits and veggies and hard crunchy things...

So I'm in the hospital and will be here overnight. Doc said there shouldn't be any reason to be here past tomorrow morning. We'll see...

drum roll, please!

The diagnosis is definitely lymphoma, 99% sure it is Hodgkins. This is good (in a relative way). The doc is sending it for a second opinion, but that may not be back for a week or two. He doesn't want to wait that long to start treatment, so we're going to start on the assumption it's Hodgkins, and if it's not, we'll change course. He said the meds will work on any kind of lymphoma, but if it's some other kind, there are other meds that are better.

The treatment is outpatient (YAYE!!!), every other week, injected. Takes about an hour. They'll give me some good nausea meds ahead of time, and some others to take home. If I'm going to be sick, it's 6-8 hours after the treatment. Varying degrees of fatigue are another potential side effect.

Depending on how the tumor reacts, the treatment will go from 4 to 6 months. Once it's gone, they do some radiation to make sure it's really gone, and then I'm cured!

Simple as that.

There are lots of unlikely but possible side effects/outcomes/etc. but I'm not going to get into them because they happen to Someone Else.

He said that healthy people get through this much more effectively than unhealthy people, and since I'm fit, not overweight, don't drink and don't smoke, I fall into the healthy category :)

There is a decent chance that I will end up sterile as a result of the chemo, though he said that many women have come through it and then had families. But this is the thing: I'm going to lose my periods, and if they come back, then I can get pregnant. If not, I can't. Seems kind of win-win to me, since families can be started by other means as necessary.

My hair will fall out and will grow back. (My friend shaved my head last night, #4 all the way around, so there's less hair to fall out now anyway. And I'm kinda diggin' this look...)

I'm done school for the year, though I am hoping/planning to be able to go in for a morning or afternoon and say hello to people, and goodbye to my kids who are moving or going to other schools next year.

Other things: my breathing today is not as good as it was yesterday, which is concerning. Hopefully we can get this breathing nonsense taken care of ASAP.

There were several really painful and fruitless procedures today, which made for a very unhappy afternoon. They will be re-attempted tomorrow, under sedation :)

That's my story to date. I feel much relief and am looking forward to kickin' it and movin' on!

waiting ... waiting ... anxious

Tuesday morning, the day after Memorial Day. I am still in the hospital - no weekend retreat for me.

I am supposed to find out the exact results of the biopsy today. The pulmonologist on call yesterday said I am scheduled to start chemo today, that it's in my chart.

I don't know what to expect and I have quite a bit of anxiety about it.

Funny thing is, I mostly am dreading more punctures and pokes and needles. The bruises on my arms and hands are going away - I haven't had a blood draw in two days and my IV came out yesterday.

I've heard I'll probably get a port or a main line (can explain later, if you want), which are both things they stick in there and leave there until the treatments are done.

Are they for a good cause? Absolutely! But that doesn't really make me want one. Weird, I know, but that's where I'm at right now.

Many people came to visit yesterday which was super nice. It was really great to visit and hang out and just socialize for a little while.

That's the gist for here and now. Here's to hope: that this is as benign as possible, that it doesn't hurt too much ;), and that treatment is efficient and effective. More as I know it...

tough two days

the surgery thursday went well though has left me sore on a good day (except when my friend percocet comes to visit). most of the time, i'm not hurting enough to need drugs. i ask when i'm going to bed and when i'm going to be eating a lot (hurts to swallow), but that's about all.

i asked about all of the blood draws, and they've significantly declined :)

i had another liter or so of fluid taken off of my right lung, to which my body didn't react well. i spent last night in the ICU. but i'm out now, and if i continue to improve, i should be able to go home tomorrow. we'll see. here's to hope!

that's all. off for a snack and some sleep!

as of Thurs, 4:30 a.m.

Well, I have been diagnosed with cancer. They're doing a surgical biopsy today to determine what kind. Once they know that, treatment details will follow.

In the almost 24 hours I've been here, they've taken blood 4 times (most recently half an hour ago, which is why I'm awake). I don't understand why this is necessary.

As was the case last week, I'm hoping to be able to go home for the weekend. We'll see.

It also turns out that I might have not had pneumonia at all. The explanation as to why is kind of weird, so I'll leave it out. But they did say fluid is recollecting around my lungs.

Good times.

That's the story from here. Keep on sending positive vibes this way. I'm using them to kill the cancer.