my newest venture...

On Tuesday, I registered to compete in a triathlon! Race date is May 9. I'm not looking to win — just to finish. It should be a pretty amazing experience, I think.

In any case, I decided to blog about training for that. If you want to follow, that blog is here.

lingering side effects - possibly TMI

About three quarters through my run with chemo, my boobs started swelling and shrinking with my cycle. There were other side effects that mimicked pregnancy (according to my pregnant-at-the-time friend), so I just added this to the list of things that will probably happen to me if/when I get pregnant.

It's still happening.

I had assumed that when the boobs stopped this silly game, I would know that the lingering effects of my favorite poisons were gone and I could declare another small victory :)

But it's still happening.

I asked the oncologist about it some time ago, and he said to ask my OB. My OB was also my PCP and she rocked. And then she moved to MedCo, and I can't see her any more. I haven't found a new PCP or a new OB, so the question remains unasked.

They told me that side effects could last up to 18 months. I am beginning to wonder, though, if this is actually ever going to go away... And if it's a problem, other than bra-logistically.

this morning's check-up

I am freshly home from my appointment with the oncologist.

Chest X-ray came back fine and normal.

Bloodwork came back mostly fine, but white blood cells and lymphocytes are low, so he wants me to have them checked every four weeks.

He said that chance of recurrence is highest in the first two years. One of those is over. He said that because I responded so well to the chemo and because they treated me so aggressively, he doesn't expect there will be any problems.

I mentioned the itchy, and he agreed that it was likely from the pool.

He commended me again for being fit and active, and said that "most women your age are heavy and sedentary, and it really is a shame." I agree (with the shame part, I don't know if "most" are that way or not).

I go back in four months.

I stopped back into the infusion room to say hello, but none of my nurses were there. On Friday, when I had bloodwork done, none of my phlebotomists were there. Where did everybody go? :-(

In any case, I am pleased to still be able to say that I am cancer-free. I hadn't expected otherwise, but I'm not sure that the little almost imperceptible voice of "what if" can be completely turned off.

Back to living life :-)

small odd gratitude

We had some clementines that weren't so tasty any more. I thought I'd juice them and see if the juice was any good, in an effort not to waste them.

While slicing them, it (randomly) occurred to me that I was able to slice them, juice them, and I could have drunk the juice without thinking twice about it. I was grateful not to have fresh fruits on the "do not consume" list any more. It doesn't matter that there's dirt and germs on the peels. My body takes care of them :)

Not sure why that popped into my head this evening, but it did. One more little thing to be grateful for in this strangely the-same-as-before-but-not life after cancer.

a long, fabulous moment of forgetting

On Saturday, I ran a 5K. I am thrilled to report that I beat my previous time by over 5 minutes :)

The race, of course, was outside. I put on my suncreen and didn't think about it again.

That's the first time I was able to "not think about it again" in roughly a year and a half. It felt good (once I realized I had done it) :)

I suspect that I haven't needed to be so concerned about it for a while - take precautions (sunsreen, long sleeves, umbrella when the sun is intense) and let it go. It was nice to let it go.


There have been a barrage of ads for a new(-ish?) cancer center in the area. They claim to have a wide array of services, including homeopathic docs. I wonder if they take patients who have completed treatment just to talk about lingering side effects and nutrition and things like that. I'm going to check into it.

On that topic, they have a billboard that reads, "Anyone who says winning isn't everything has never fought cancer" or something significantly close to that. My initial reaction was "fuck yeah!" but then I got to thinking about it ...

Having cancer has certainly changed my life (though not in the ways that most people inquired about - my partying hasn't decreased at all ;) ). And while of course I would have needed to survive in order for that to happen long-term, I don't think just getting through it would be considered a "win." Or maybe it'd be like a win because the other team forfeited. It seems to me that for cancer survival to be a win, there needs to come from it more than just surviving ... but that's just me.

Happy End to 2008!

Well, I am winding down 2008 with a slight cold but otherwise in fabulous condition :)

I have set a goal to complete a mini-triathlon by the end of 2009. That's a 750 (or sometimes 500)-meter swim, a 20 K (12.4 mile) bike ride, and a 5K (3.1 mile) run. Can I do that now? No. But I can do some of it, and I'm sure that in time, I will be able to do all of it. Honestly, I just want to be able to finish it. I can do that.

I swam 75 meters without stopping today, for the first time :) Baby steps...

I will be able to train with a trainer for a short while longer. In my ideal world, I'd train once a week with a trainer, year round. It's expensive, though :(

Here's to good health and toning up the body!

the itch...

...is definitely pool-related, and putting lotion on right after a shower right after swimming helped a lot.

small panic over :)

we now return to our regularly scheduled program...



(And if you're in AZ, you have 13 days left to make a tax credit donation. I'm accepting. Send me a message for more info.)

I didn't call...

By this point, a day after my massage, most of my soreness is gone :)

I was going to call the doc today — that was the plan over the weekend. I always plan out what I'm going to say. Since I'm going to be leaving a message, I want it to be as clear as possible. Well, while I was rehearsing said message, I realized how ridiculous and paranoid it sounded, so I didn't call. I haven't been itchy since Thursday night, which is the last night I went in the pool. My back is mostly better today, after a massage yesterday. It was just coincidence.

Thanks for putting up with my little freak-out session [sheepish grin]

I had a pool session with my trainer tonight, and it kicked my sorry butt. It was really good :) Just what I needed to ramp up my swimming.

Off to shower and put on some lotion and see if that helps the itch.

soreness and knots and stress

I went to the gym last night and did a good long stretch and foam rolling when I was done. Typically, when I roll out my legs, there might be a knot here or there, but those muscles by this point are pretty smooth.

Legs last night were knot city.

Last night, TJ rubbed my shoulders and it felt like he was rubbing bricks.

This morning I was kinda stiff through my back, neck, and shoulders.

So currently, I am attributing back stiffness to general stress, to which I am also attributing the knots in my legs and soreness in my neck, shoulders, and back. There has been no shortage of stress 'round here.

Working on this assumption, I went to get a massage this morning. Neck, back, shoulders: knot city. The soreness I had this morning is gone. The soreness I had before is still there. A couple of friends who do massages more often said that it would take a couple of days for that soreness to go away, if the massage will do it, and that I might feel worse before I feel better (and not to panic if that happened). So we'll see how it feels in a day or two or three...

In the mean time, I am less freaked than I was yesterday. It sure would be nice for that trigger not to be so sensitive...

hoping hoping hoping it's nothing

For the last month or so maybe, since I started swimming on a more regular basis, my skin has been super-itchy. I have been sometimes putting lotion on it, which sometimes helps. I've been making sure to wash more thoroughly after being in the pool, taking showers that aren't quite as hot, etc., trying to reduce drying agents. I assumed that the itchiness was either a reaction to chemicals in the pool or dry skin as a result of the season and the pool.

For the last week-ish, my back has been sore, just right up the spine. If I'm sitting or standing normally, I don't notice it. When I twist, it's a "I worked out too hard" kind of sore ... but I hadn't worked out those muscles when this started. Also, I can do general back exercises and they don't bother the soreness at all.

For reasons unknown, I went just now and looked up the vague symptoms that help lead to Hodgkins diagnoses. Itchy skin and vague back soreness are both on the list.

I'm a bit freaked. OK, I'm a lot freaked.

Everything else is fine. I have no other potential symptoms, my breathing is fine. I think that maybe my inability to explain why my back is sore is ramping up my current anxiety. Itchy skin I can explain away.

Lymph nodes in my neck are not noticeable. I don't know how to check any of the other ones. Though I am guessing if this actually *is* a recurrence, it would be in the same place as the old one, and I can't check there.

I'm going to call the oncologist's office on Monday and see if he thinks I should be concerned. I'd like to be able to talk to someone sooner, but it's not something to bother the doctor on call about, I don't think.

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.